Discouraged.

Today I decided to try and get my life together... I went to the store last night bought Red Bull, and Starbucks Vanilla Frappaccino just to have the energy to get up and take care of the things that we need to take care of... My Responsibilities....


Come to find out my classes were dropped on Tuesday....


I woke up early to sit on the Student Accounts like and there was literally Nobody in there....

So why am I discouraged?.... It seems like the set backs would Encourage me to do better.... take the next step forward.... but the set backs hinder me....

A simple trip to Park street sends me running for the hills because all I want is to Succeed.... and when I go in there I feel like a failure... Everytime I look towards my fashion teacher's office I feel like I'm not going anywhere....


Sooo many people tell me that I'm gonna make it... how can't I? "You have a great personality".... "People love you..." but sometimes i just dont see it..... these trips to get my life together give me alot of alone time... Opportunity to think..... If I'm so great why does my teacher alwaysact like I'm worthless? Why does she act like I'm the worst student that she ever had? Why does she act like it's impossible for me to Achieve anything? How is it that one of the people placed in my academic life to help me makes me feel like less of a person each semester?



The thing is.... I know I'm not the greatest student to ever grace the campus of Clark Atlanta University.... But I'm also not the worst... I made it this far... didn't I? but just thinking about the way professors treat you makes me not want to talk to them... it makes me scared... makes me timid... it literally sends me running back to my apartment to close my door and be alone with myself.....


Yesterday Demaris confronted me because I stayed home instead of dealing with my issues.

"Come here"

thats how she always starts.....

"yea?"

"what you depressed for??"

"IDK.... Just am..."


"Well look, you know how I feel about you... and you don't need to be setting yourself behind because you're"depressed" so get it together."

hmmm...... My friend love me.... and everyone knows I love them... and they believe in me.... But it happens too often that I dont believe in myself.... and I don't know why.... I never really used to tell people this but I was Severly convinced that I wasn't even gonna live this long.... Partly because I grew up being a hypocondriac.... and still kinda am.... along with the fact that I thought my Father was gonna kill me (I've never told that to anyone either.).... but being that I'm still here... my main concern is not being a failure.... and sometimes I feel like the road that I travel isn't one to success.... and it's the scary.


SIDENOTE: (Thanks Chris lol)
I remember Sophmore year I needed extra energy to get through a day that was going to be particularly long for me.... So my friend Yvette gave me these "Energy Pills" (which I later found out were Caffine Loaded Diet Pills) just to get me through the day. Around that time I was extremely upset because the person I was talking to was "never" going to talk to me again cuz he and demaris had a confrontation in our friend Brittany's car.... at the time I convinced myself I was over it... and proceeded to live my life the best way I could without him in it.... So before class I popped the pill and went about my business.... I walked up the promenade going as fast as I could trying to make it to Park Street which was already a 20 minute walk from my dorm.... By the time I was by Carl and Mary Ware.... there he was.... and he walked passed me like I was completely INVISIBLE.... I made it to park street... but by the time I got there I was in the bathroom crying hysterically.... boohooing.... snot... boogers.... face drenched in tears.... I waited in the Bathroom well into my class period until I could get myself together.... and even when I was in class I could barely keep my composure.... My theory? THOSE MUFUCKIN DIET PILLS!!!!!! besides the fact that I'm already a cry baby the caffine boosted my emotions... I was shaking.... A MESS... and I promised I wouldn't do that to myself again......

Moral Of The Story???
I was hyped up on caffine again today... and of course for me.... someone who is already a big bundle of emotions... alot of caffine can turn me into a BIG crying BABY.... hmmph....

I have to realize... Come Tuesday I have to have all of these problems under wraps... no more tears... no more excuses... just me... Being Proactive... and taking the appropriate step towards my SUCCESSFUL future... because if I dont believe in MYSELF... having everyone else believing in me doesnt even matter.....

Thanks DeeDee for caring...


oh! there are some special ladies I have to shout out....












V-Nasty (Vanessa)








Ms. Rawls (Erica)

Demi Ma (Demi)

Thanks for reading Ladies...

XOXO

Randy Cash