Discouraged.

Today I decided to try and get my life together... I went to the store last night bought Red Bull, and Starbucks Vanilla Frappaccino just to have the energy to get up and take care of the things that we need to take care of... My Responsibilities....


Come to find out my classes were dropped on Tuesday....


I woke up early to sit on the Student Accounts like and there was literally Nobody in there....

So why am I discouraged?.... It seems like the set backs would Encourage me to do better.... take the next step forward.... but the set backs hinder me....

A simple trip to Park street sends me running for the hills because all I want is to Succeed.... and when I go in there I feel like a failure... Everytime I look towards my fashion teacher's office I feel like I'm not going anywhere....


Sooo many people tell me that I'm gonna make it... how can't I? "You have a great personality".... "People love you..." but sometimes i just dont see it..... these trips to get my life together give me alot of alone time... Opportunity to think..... If I'm so great why does my teacher alwaysact like I'm worthless? Why does she act like I'm the worst student that she ever had? Why does she act like it's impossible for me to Achieve anything? How is it that one of the people placed in my academic life to help me makes me feel like less of a person each semester?



The thing is.... I know I'm not the greatest student to ever grace the campus of Clark Atlanta University.... But I'm also not the worst... I made it this far... didn't I? but just thinking about the way professors treat you makes me not want to talk to them... it makes me scared... makes me timid... it literally sends me running back to my apartment to close my door and be alone with myself.....


Yesterday Demaris confronted me because I stayed home instead of dealing with my issues.

"Come here"

thats how she always starts.....

"yea?"

"what you depressed for??"

"IDK.... Just am..."


"Well look, you know how I feel about you... and you don't need to be setting yourself behind because you're"depressed" so get it together."

hmmm...... My friend love me.... and everyone knows I love them... and they believe in me.... But it happens too often that I dont believe in myself.... and I don't know why.... I never really used to tell people this but I was Severly convinced that I wasn't even gonna live this long.... Partly because I grew up being a hypocondriac.... and still kinda am.... along with the fact that I thought my Father was gonna kill me (I've never told that to anyone either.).... but being that I'm still here... my main concern is not being a failure.... and sometimes I feel like the road that I travel isn't one to success.... and it's the scary.


SIDENOTE: (Thanks Chris lol)
I remember Sophmore year I needed extra energy to get through a day that was going to be particularly long for me.... So my friend Yvette gave me these "Energy Pills" (which I later found out were Caffine Loaded Diet Pills) just to get me through the day. Around that time I was extremely upset because the person I was talking to was "never" going to talk to me again cuz he and demaris had a confrontation in our friend Brittany's car.... at the time I convinced myself I was over it... and proceeded to live my life the best way I could without him in it.... So before class I popped the pill and went about my business.... I walked up the promenade going as fast as I could trying to make it to Park Street which was already a 20 minute walk from my dorm.... By the time I was by Carl and Mary Ware.... there he was.... and he walked passed me like I was completely INVISIBLE.... I made it to park street... but by the time I got there I was in the bathroom crying hysterically.... boohooing.... snot... boogers.... face drenched in tears.... I waited in the Bathroom well into my class period until I could get myself together.... and even when I was in class I could barely keep my composure.... My theory? THOSE MUFUCKIN DIET PILLS!!!!!! besides the fact that I'm already a cry baby the caffine boosted my emotions... I was shaking.... A MESS... and I promised I wouldn't do that to myself again......

Moral Of The Story???
I was hyped up on caffine again today... and of course for me.... someone who is already a big bundle of emotions... alot of caffine can turn me into a BIG crying BABY.... hmmph....

I have to realize... Come Tuesday I have to have all of these problems under wraps... no more tears... no more excuses... just me... Being Proactive... and taking the appropriate step towards my SUCCESSFUL future... because if I dont believe in MYSELF... having everyone else believing in me doesnt even matter.....

Thanks DeeDee for caring...


oh! there are some special ladies I have to shout out....












V-Nasty (Vanessa)








Ms. Rawls (Erica)

Demi Ma (Demi)

Thanks for reading Ladies...

XOXO

Randy Cash

No More BGC For Me =,(

So for a couple years now a certain little website by the name of BGCLive.com has become a constant part of my free time. for those of you who don't know wat BGC is.... it's basically a site where you can meet other....hmmmm.... how can I say this.... fuck it... GAY NIGGAS online.

BGC is one of those sites that when left in the hands of the wrong people can promote Homosexual promiscuity as well as dishonesty... reason being is BGC leaves nothing unsaid. from the Jump you can see whether a nigga is a "Top", "Bottom" or "Verse" you can find out how big their dick is.... if it's cut or uncut... how fat it is.... how tall the nigga is.... if he's masculine.... feminine.... downlow and even if he's HIV positive..... personally I love BGC.... not because I want to run out and find the nigga with the biggest dick and hook up with him but because I have found some great friends on there... especially my friend Shoddie.... and everyone noes I love me some Shoddie... even when he's being ignorant.... lol.... but y delete my account?... hmm.... here's why......

"is something wrong?"

"well remember how the other day you said you didnt wanna leave anything unsaid?"

"Yea"

"Well I don't like that you have BGC...."

That was it.... I deleted it.... I've learned that in this particular situation to just nip whatever it is that the "beef" is in the bud.... because if not the problem gets bigger... and I dont have time for bigger problems.... Hence why I opt'd to DELETE my account instead of freezing it.... because a frozen account will just stir up questions of why i couldn't completely remove it.....

now to me.... the biggest tragedy isnt that i deleted my account but I had to lose my user name... Randyboi80...... idk what my attachment was to my user name but I like it... maybe because it goes all the way back to when I was a lil HS boy doing all the things I wasnt suppossed to on "Yahoo Groups".... but I loved that name.... lol.... it was almost like a part of me died... Once I hit delete.... Hey.... maybe I'm being slightly mellow dramatic but Shit! Fuck! Got Damn!..... wat ever will I do with my free time?.... maybe i'll study or read a book or something... lol

Another thing that i thought as I hit Delete was.... is BGC really that much of a threat?.... I mean boys are every where.... the Gay population is growing eveyday.... and lord noes that if BGC is such a threat... than Myspace and Facebook are equally as threatening.... seeing as though there are a bunch of homos on those site as well lol... so do i delete my accounts there too?? hmmmm.....My belief is that nothing should be a threat if you have faith in the other person's disgression.... and trust me Disgression is what I have... cause even if everyone else goes on BGC to "get their life" so to speak... I go on there cause i can always count on a laugh.... and shit.... I want mufuckaz to read my blog... I'm most definately not doing this for nothing...... but I guess when it boils down to it...... deletion was my choice...... or was it?? you be the judge....

..... I guess I'm not as devastated as I thought..... I guess life really is about sacrafices.......

xoxo...

Randy cash

RIP BGC Profile lmmfao

Juniee Boondada.....

Soooo usually I like to start my blogs with a picture of myself.... but this is a very different situation.... Y??? because.... it's time to give Alex her shine.... lol

Alex is my friend... from highschool.... I have plenty fond memories of "Ma" (which is what the nigga at the bar called her) but the one memory that sticks in my mind most is freshman year in HS. Mr. Ouziels class, 5th period. I was one of the lamest people in class.... No one was my friend... I didn't say a word..... So one day Asia(Who is now my friend, Roomate, sister and KNOCKED OUT DRUNK as we speak on my couch), Alex, and some other complete randoms that I dont associate with now were conversing about sex and who was a virgin and who wasnt......... suddenly the conversation turned towards me when alex turned around and asked "so are you a virgin??"... a puzzled look came over me.... what do i say? lie??? or do I tell the truth?, that i was a shy 14 year old boy that had yet to touch a girl??? before i could mutter my lie she continued "of course you are!!!!".... I was crushed... not because she shut me down but because now my tea was out.... everyone knew I was a Virgin.... and all i was doing was sitting back minding my own business.....

.... years gone by and Alex and I crossed paths again.... Senior year.... now our friendship wasnt based on me and her.... it was based on her friendship with Asia who had become my roll dog even tho she also played me as a freshman.... but we won't go into that. when Alex and I reunited it was on a whole new level. I wasnt as shy as i was (still was a virgin tho lol) and my mouth was way more snappy. she always had something to say and I always had a comeback.... she absolutely hated it!!!! but I loved it....

As time went by we grew up.... The smartassness was no longer turned towards each other and we learned to live together.... rather well actually... we shop.... we go out and we have a great time....... we live a "FAB" life.... well she does....I'm just along for the ride....

The Story at Hand.....

The reason i named the name of this post Junie Boondada is because of Alex actually..... now you're probably wondering wtf is a Junie Boondada?!?... he's the guy who sings Wuz Up Wit That Pussy... but more importantly... its the only way I can remember Alex BF's name.... Jamada.... lol.....

soooo the day started out grrreat.... I met up with Asia around 4... we had THE BEST PIZZA IN NY (Margheritas on the Ave.)....... and kept it moving to queens center mall..... to be honest IDK y everything was soooo funny but Asia had me cracking the hell up.... and towards the end of our trip I got a text from Alex asking if we wanted to go to this Restaurant/Bar... Asia had me asking questions cuz clearly I'm too broke to even ask for a glass of water.... the conclusion was, Asia spends the night and Asia, Alex, Jamada and I would go to this spot.

long story short we had a fun.... passion fruit margeritas, Patron Gold shot, Tequilla sunrises and the shit I never tried before, Jager bombs...... I was nice.... sooo nice Alex and I got out the car and did the Single Ladies dance IN THE PARKING LOT of the bar..... pure fun.... Alex promised to come visit us in GA.... We'll see.....

On Another Note....

My homeboy Chris started a Blog.... he's a rather new friend but we're so similar reading his blog is like reading mine....

it's in my blog list so you guys should check it out!

oh yea he's a nerd... (Lil smarty pants LOL).... but aren't nerds Just cool as shit?! I think they are....

and Why wouldn't you guys read it?? I'm actually featured in his 1st post!

GET YOUR LIFE RANDY CASH!!! lol

In closing... there are officially 3 days till I'm back in GA..... I can't wait... I miss everyone sooo much... especially JS <<<>

Thats it.... clearly it's past my bed time.

Love You all more than you know.....

Randy Cash <3

The Top or The Bottom.